crows to burnaby

It's beginning to worry me how often I start a new blog post and then abandon it after a sentence or two. I think the past month has given me attention deficit disorder. I'm still sifting through an assortment of realities and consequences, and I'm going through another "why do I blog?" phase while I sort this out. I keep starting to post about it, then asking myself "does the rest of the world really need to know, or care?", and then chickening out.

I suppose there is no reason to post about it, except for those of you who read me just to see what I'm up to. It's partially all of ye who don't know me from a sewer grate that make me hesitant to post; it comes back around to trusting complete strangers with my hopes & dreams. (No offense.) I've also got a vague superstitious fear of jinxing my tenuous hold on my circumstances just by talking about them. I can see ways in which it all falls apart at the seams; I'm very good at spotting the worst-case scenario for any situation.

But my blog posting seems to have completely dammed up while I waffle about whether or not I should talk about it. I think I need to just get it out there; I think I should write it down, as a record of change if nothing else. And I'm also soliciting advice if anyone has any to offer.

Here's the upshot: my contract at the university runs out at the end of the month, and this time it will probably not be renewed. I've been here for a year and a half, and it's been a great experience; it is sad to see how things will change, but it's well beyond my control. There are some opportunities for additional work, either here and/or elsewhere on campus, so at this point I'm not panicking (though I've really got my fingers crossed that one part-time possibility comes through for September). And if all else fails I could freelance again, at least for a while.

What complicates life is that I've begun to realize for the first time in my life that I do actually have a passion that I'd like to follow. I've always been a generalist; I've always been content enough doing something computer-related, something with creativity. I've manifested my creative side by being a web designer, or dabbling in photography and some artwork. I've never really felt like a designer or an artist, though. But the more involved I get in music the more I realize it's where I want to be; this is what really excites me. It's sound, not vision, that drives me. I don't know whether it's just that this has developed more strongly in my mind over the past year, or whether I've always been like this but didn't want to acknowledge it because I thought it was too impractical and unrealistic.

I don't seriously expect to become a professional musician myself, though I'd like to get more into it than I am, and I will be developing more of my own music over the next several months. What startled me was how much I enjoyed the small bit of production and engineering I've done, how sublime the feeling when you know it's right. This is what I want to cultivate.

I've been coming to terms with the fact that in the music industry, you don't usually go out, get a degree, and get hired based on your education. As someone who's spent most of her life in an academic environment, this is a foreign concept; surely if you need to learn something, you take a course, right? It's not about that any more; it's about what you've done and who you know. I have to get used to that, and I have to get out more; work with the people who're doing the things I want to learn about, catch up on the technical aspects I don't know. Again, I'm open to advice and suggestions, as well as skill trade/ internships arrangements.

There is a project or two I'll be involved with on a part-time basis, if all goes well, and I'm very excited about it. So I hope after a few months to have some credit and experience attached to me, and build on this over the coming year or so. What's getting to me is this standing on the razor-thin edge waiting for it all to start, waiting to fall one way or the other. I've still got some other things that have to be done first, but it's hard to focus on them.

While reading some music-business blogs today I coincidentally spotted a post about changing careers - at least it makes me feel like I'm approaching things as well as I can:

4) Take a dual track. While you continue on your current path, identify parallel steps you can take that will move you in the direction you want to go. For example, that could be networking and building the relationships you need, developing an expertise, taking classes, etc.

I'm not a risk-taker, I'm not willing to put all my eggs in one basket, and I do still like much of the work I do now; it's just not my be-all, end-all dream. If I don't end up making a living in music somehow, I can deal with it; the web is still a good place to be (and particularily online education, since it does people some good). But now that I've got a fire lit under me, I suspect I'll regret it forever if I don't at least try for a while.